After the balcony bath (divine) and a quick nap (also divine) we decided to head to a well known artsy district that Scott had read about since it was early afternoon and we weren’t due at our dinner cruise for several more hours. Google maps thought it would be funny to take us through some of the sketchier parts of Bangkok, but we survived and made it to the Talat Noi neighborhood which was close to Bangkok’s Chinatown.
We stopped at a pharmacy along the way to pick up some cold medicine for Scott. He was starting to feel a cold coming on and because we had pared down our belongings to make one-bag travel easier I didn’t have my usual arsenal of drugs that I typically carry because we had reasoned, somewhat correctly, that we could always go to a pharmacy. In Thailand very few drugs are available over the counter, and instead you consult directly with the pharmacist, telling him or her what ails you, they then write you a prescription and you buy the drugs. He received some sort of cold medicine and we chatted briefly with the husband and wife pharmacist/proprietor duo. They asked us about the US and referenced what a wild and zany time it seemed to be politically in the US. We both acknowledged that yes, it was a real great time to be American, and made a note to perhaps start introducing ourselves as Canadians in the future. They were excited about the Chinese New Year celebration that would be happening tomorrow and gave us suggestions of where to go to experience it: Bangkok’s Chinatown, not that far from where we currently were, and was actually already on our itinerary.
We threaded our way through Talat Noi, dodging all the other tourists, locals, and Instagrammers and saw lots of cool murals and sculptures, elephants in particular featuring heavily as subjects. The streets and buildings were all adorned with red and gold Chinese lanterns in celebration of the upcoming holiday and they added a whimsical and festive feel to our walk.
We then made our way to the Chao Phraya river to the unbelievable monolithic behemoth that is the IconSiam Mall. This is where our river dinner cruise would be leaving from shortly. Since we had some time to kill we went into the IconSiam to check it out. No one does malls like the Asians and this one might top them all. Our first mission was to find the bathroom (harder than you would think) and we wound through the most elaborate food court known to man and past the river (yes, river) that flowed through the interior of the mall and was meant to depict a traditional Thai floating market, before finally correctly deciphering the hieroglyphics that indicated the toilet’s location.
Bathroom mission accomplished, our next task was a visit to the Hermès store. I wanted to show Scott that despite the fact that they are known as a luxury goods store now, they have stayed true to their roots and actually still carry some equestrian goods. It wasn’t all that long ago that you would still see the occasional Hermès saddle. We had to pass muster to enter the store and once we were deemed to be apparently trustworthy enough by their security detail, the doors opened and we went in (reminiscent of the time that we went into the Rolex store on the Champs-Élysées in Paris). Sadly this store only had a few horsey items and I was somehow able to resist the temptation to not drop $260 US on a rubber curry comb ($6 US from Tractor Supply Company if you were curious).
We exited the mall and went to check out the celebration that was happening right outside on its plaza. There was a Chinese New Year concert going on and we grabbed seats and enjoyed (somewhat cluelessly) the song and dance entertainment. We then surmised that we should move over to the Bellagio style fountains that were on the plaza and watched the elaborate choreographed waterworks show. 
Finally we made our way over to the melee that was the apparent queue for the river cruise and pushed our way through the mob to the attendants to figure out where we needed to be. It was then a lesson in hurrying up and waiting and poor Scott was wilting. I know he doesn’t feel well when he loses his smile, and the smile had disappeared somewhere inside the IconSiam. We found a curb to sit on while we waited to board. When it was finally time to board the White Orchid, there was a mad dash up the gangplank and onto the boat… an ominous foreshadowing of what the buffet line would look like.
Attendants escorted us to our seats on the upper deck and we both made the mistake of sampling the “chips” that were on the table. They were fish flavored taro chips and were unbelievably offensive to our Western palates and we both ended up spitting them back out.
I had steeled my little germaphobe self for the buffet experience and was armed with our bottle of hand sanitizer to douse my hands with after visiting the buffet and before eating. I gave myself a little pep talk and we walked bravely up to the buffet.
It was an absolute rugby scrum. A bloodthirsty mob swarmed and jostled and fought for morsels and bits of foods on the buffet table that were mostly unidentifiable to Scott and I. I am generally a rule-following and polite person but this demeanor was quickly abandoned. I am not proud of my behavior, but all bets are off at an Asian buffet, and I had to change tactics. I found myself shoving my elbow into the ribcage of a four and a half foot tall Thai granny who was trying her darndest to fight me out of position and into the same chafing dish that I currently had possession over. When I wouldn’t budge she cheerfully moved on to another vat of food, not even a little bothered by the interaction. Me, quite bothered.
Scott and I reconvened at our table, drowned our paws in hand sani, and ate our hard-won dinner while cruising down the Chao Phraya, the night lights of Bangkok’s skyline that impressively illuminated the busy waterway by far what would be the best part of the experience. As we ate we were regaled by a group of glamorous befeathered ladyboy singer-dancers who crooned and sasheed their way up and down the aisles amongst the diners. The emcee informed us that it was a Chinese New Years tradition to sing Happy Birthday to the New Year and thus began a ten minute long ballad of the HBD song in every single language that was represented on the boat that night. Every. Single. Language.
The singing and dancing was not only happening on our deck, but was also happening on each of the two decks below us, and it quickly turned too loud and annoying and poor Scott looked pretty miserable. The boat cruised up the river and under the rather impressive Rama VIII bridge that was a sight to behold at night and from below before turning around and heading back to the IconSiam dock. The amount of boat traffic on the Chao Phraya was astounding- in addition to the usual boat traffic that this waterway hosts at any given hour; ferries, water taxis, commercial boats, longtail boats etc, a congested and steady stream of other dinner cruises marched their way up and down the river bow to stern, like some sort of maniacal carnival carousel ride; the music from each passing boat creating an unintentional and cacophonous discordant dueling banjos situation that would have been funny if Scott was feeling better. We were relieved to finally reach the dock and disembark, both agreeing that of all the boat adventures we had taken together, this was probably the least enjoyable. I needed to get Scott to bed because he was pitiful and he meekly agreed to take a Grab back to the House of Papa rather than the one hour walk, so we took the river taxi across the river to meet our driver and headed home so that Scott could hopefully fight off his bug and I prayed that we hadn’t caught any additional bugs at the buffet… an airplane ride home while battling Bangkok-belly was not something either one of us wanted to experience.
